If you're afraid to communicate and express how you feel about your marriage, listen to our guest Tamika McTier and learn how she empowers couples and her advocacy. She joins us to share the top secrets for a happy marriage a...
If you're afraid to communicate and express how you feel about your marriage, listen to our guest Tamika McTier and learn how she empowers couples and her advocacy. She joins us to share the top secrets for a happy marriage and the crucial role of communication in any relationship. Start strengthening the emotional bond of love through this episode!
Key takeaways to listen for
Resources mentioned in this episode
The Image in the Mirror II by Tamika McTier
About Tamika McTier
Tamika McTier is a certified marriage coach and holistic wellness advocate, creator/host of the Ageless Conversations podcast, wife of 16 years, author, and mom of two. After spending years in ministry serving married couples, she accepted the call that God had for her to serve married women and couples on a higher level.
She uses her signature T.A.L.K. method and experience to empower other women to have happy marriages of their own. She writes about relationships, offers coaching on the power of communication in marriage, and teaches women how to become their own wellness advocates.
Tamika’s mission is to help wives thrive in their marriage while writing their own stories, creating their own paths, and becoming unstoppable in the pursuit of their God-given dreams.
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[00:00:00] Tamika McTier:It's such a selfish thought process when you think you should just go to work. But guess what? You have a wife that goes to work and still does everything else like cook, clean, run the kids around, and anything else you can think of. And so it's just very selfish to think that you're only responsible for getting the check.
[00:00:18] Maya Acosta:You have more power over your health and what you've been told. This is the Healthy Lifestyle Solutions podcast. I'm Maya Acosta and I'm passionate about finding healthy lifestyle solutions to support optimal human health. If you're willing to go with me, together, we can discover how simple lifestyle choices can help improve our quality of life.
[00:00:39] Maya Acosta:An increased longevity in a big way. Let's get started. So welcome back to another episode of the Healthy Lifestyle Solutions podcast. I'm your host, Maya Acosta. Very excited about today's conversation. We are going to talk about relationships, and my guess is Tamika McTier. Tamika McTier is a certified marriage coach and holistic wellness advocate, creator, host of the Ageless Conversations podcast, wife of 16 years, author, and mom of two.
[00:01:11] Maya Acosta:After spending years in ministry serving married couples, she accepted the call that God had for her to serve married women. And couples at a higher level. Tamika uses her signature talk method and experience to empower other women to have happy marriages of their own. She writes about relationships, offers coaching on the power of communication and marriage, and teaches women how to become their own wellness advocates.
[00:01:37] Maya Acosta:Woohoo. Uh, Tamika's mission is to help wives thrive in their marriage. Writing their own stories, creating their own paths, and becoming unstoppable in the pursuit of their God-given dreams. Welcome, Tamika.
[00:01:52] Tamika McTier:Thank you so much, Maya. I'm so excited to be here. I was laughing as I heard you share my bio cuz I was like, hmm. I've actually been married 17 years now. . .
[00:02:03] Maya Acosta:We're gonna add a year to that. That's wonderful, Tam. That's right, that's right. . How have you been married? 17 years. When you look so young.
[00:02:11] Tamika McTier:Oh my gosh. Thank you for the compliment. Um, Yeah, I've been married 17 years. Yeah. And I'm in my forties, so,
[00:02:19] Maya Acosta:Oh my God. . You're. This is wonderful. So you may not know this about me, so about a little bit of my past, but I am a Christian, uh, was born again and ended up. Joining a church in my early twenties, I was a Baptist church. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. and I, I don't know, I just, you know, had friends in the community, and I joined the church, but then I, it became important because I was a Spanish speaker, right?
[00:02:45] Maya Acosta:Yes. Like I speak Spanish. So in the community, we wanted to do more outreach into the Spanish community. And so I think I was the only one that spoke Spanish in the church, but I became very involved in the sense that I was working at the church, and then I was a member as well. Yeah. So when it comes to doing ministry work and God's work, I'm very familiar with all of this, so I'm very excited to introduce you to my audience.
[00:03:09] Maya Acosta:And then, of course, I'd love to speak to the females to empower them in all areas, health, and relationship. Yeah. So I'd love for you to tell us more about yourself, especially the accepting God's calling.
[00:03:22] Tamika McTier:Yeah. And so, Maya, before I dive into and tell you what it looks like to just really accept the call and then dive into God's work, I have to tell you who I was before I became this wife that you will hear me speaking about today.
[00:03:34] Tamika McTier:17 years later. Prior to being married, I was an independent woman and, uh, To, uh, my little girl. So it's just myself and my little girl. Um, and that I gave birth to at the tender age of 19. And so in that role, it was very important for me to really own my position and not be one that was looking for a handout or anything like that, or I didn't wanna be anything associated with what society would say, a team I would be.
[00:04:01] Tamika McTier:So, for me, I took on that ownership and really found myself working hard to get any and everything I wanted. I knew that. I was strong. I knew that I had a good mindset, and I knew that I could really do anything that I put my mind to. And so that sent me on a journey of really becoming a strong, independent, individual journey.
[00:04:22] Tamika McTier:Like I said, I gave birth to my child at 19 years of age, and in my early twenties, I knew that I was missing something, but I wasn't quite sure what it was. What I did know was throughout my teenage years that my family and I didn't go to church or anything like that. And while I was introduced to God in the church at a very young age, I didn't have any memory, or I knew for a fact that we didn't do anything like that during my teenage years.
[00:04:46] Tamika McTier:And so again, early. In my early twenties, I knew that I was missing something, but I couldn't particularly put my finger on it. And I knew it wasn't validation that I was looking from for a man in a relationship. It wasn't mom wounds that I was trying to heal or father, you know, daddy-daughter relationship.
[00:05:01] Tamika McTier:It wasn't anything like that. But what I discovered is through a conversation with a coworker expressing what her experience had been like after she had visited a church, um, by way of a funeral. And just telling me a lot about the eulogy and how the pastor, she felt like he was speaking to her and things like that.
[00:05:19] Tamika McTier:The way she spoke of it, me being so young, I thought, man, how could she be attending church? And she's speaking of something so good. Basically, like, like the good news, you know, you hear people talk about the good news, but she was sharing it in a way that was so inviting, and I was. Aren’t, you know, funerals supposed to be sad, you know, people crying and things like that?
[00:05:39] Tamika McTier:But she really came back and shared like the joy behind it. And then I found that the following week she attended that church again and came back to say more about it. I was like, are you gonna be going to that church again the following Sunday? And so she said, yeah, and what I didn't tell you about this is that she lived about 45 minutes from the church, and I lived 20 minutes from the church.
[00:05:58] Tamika McTier:So in my mind, I was thinking, well, if she can commit to drive 45 minutes, surely I can commit. And so that's what I did. And from the moment of walking into the vest of you to sitting in the pews, to him, the choir sing. From the sermon being delivered, I felt like I was right at home. I knew that that's what I needed.
[00:06:16] Tamika McTier:And after just a couple of weeks, you know, short of that, I rededicate my life to Christ. So not a decision that I made as a young child that my mom made for me, but a decision that I was able to make as an adult to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior on my own, and really, that just begun, um, a true transformation in me, my desire to want more learning just about everything.
[00:06:39] Tamika McTier:And I would say it actually gave birth to those four pillars that you hear me talk about on my podcast around fitness, faith, family, and finances. So that's the beginning of who, you know, Tamika was. And I became a homeowner and did so much prior to even becoming married. So I'll stop right there before we go on.
[00:06:58] Maya Acosta:Yeah. , I love this. So, first of all, I wanna acknowledge what you said about being a young mother and your willingness to take responsibility for your choices and where you were, but also not, you know, and there's nothing wrong with getting outside help. Mm-hmm. , I understand what you're saying is that you wanted to really fulfill your wishes on your own without relying on anyone else.
[00:07:19] Tamika McTier:And That's right. I, when I was, I'm grateful that those services are available for the people who need it. , but it was a mindset that I had that I can do. and I will do this.
[00:07:30] Maya Acosta:Yeah, that's right. When I was in college, my sister had a child at 19 as well, and we didn't know until she was six months pregnant. Mm-hmm. She kept it very quiet and was very scared. So she hit the pregnancy, which I can imagine was very stressful for her as well. And it was in a sense, traumatizing as a young girl to have that happen, you know, for me and for her and the whole family and all of that. And I can see how a young mother can sometimes carry.
[00:07:57] Maya Acosta:Over for the rest of her life that, you know, there's just something wrong with that choice that she made or whatever it may be. So I appreciate you talking about that, and then of course, telling us, I understand what you're saying, that when you were younger, you might have been born into a religion, but you didn't really practice it and didn't feel that connection.
[00:08:16] Maya Acosta:I was born into Catholicism, but I didn't have a relationship with God, and so I, too, found my way on my own in my twenties. Tell us. So you joined the church; you're not that far. Did you say you became a member of that church?
[00:08:28] Tamika McTier:Yes. I became a member of that church, and then a few years later, I come to meet my husband, my now husband. He joined the church and everything. And so, really, life began for us, and we continued to move on. But what I found is throughout marriage, I was always, or we were always, involved in ministry through the church. But what I found is that the church is. . I didn't feel like my experience of how closely involved I was in ministry and being someone that was newly married, I didn't necessarily feel like the church.
[00:09:02] Tamika McTier:I found that people spoke about marriage in their situations from just the standpoint of, not transparency, but always just from a standpoint of offering, directing you to prayer if you have questions and things like. And while I am a believer and I do believe in prayer, I practice it. I know that there's transformation that come, come from prayer.
[00:09:22] Tamika McTier:What I also know is that what the Bible says, faith without works is dead. And so just telling someone to pray, if they come across challenges and then you don't actually tell them how to move forward, then beyond that, it can create some c. So for myself, because I entered marriage, which such an independency, you're seeing so many failed relationships around me, I kind of went in with my guard up, and it caused me several challenges as it relates to communication and my marriage.
[00:09:55] Tamika McTier:And so what I found is that a lot of times, I found myself shutting down. And so you wouldn't know by listening to me, nor would your audience know, but the woman I am today and the woman I used to be when I think about marriage, has completely evolved cuz I'm totally not the same person as I found myself early on, always playing games with the silent treatment.
[00:10:14] Tamika McTier:You might know what the silent treatment is, and maybe someone in your audience may know what the silent treatment is, but essentially what that is, is, you know, throughout our marriage, throughout our relationships, when we feel like things aren't going our way and we can't have our way. We get silent, and we don't say anything.
[00:10:29] Tamika McTier:And so that's where I found myself, and I found that it was a pattern that I was doing a lot, and I didn't like. And it took me having a closet moment where I was really asking God to help me in that situation, and I found myself. Surrendering, crying out to him saying, I'm ready to, I wanna stop playing games with the silent treatment.
[00:10:50] Tamika McTier:It's not healthy; it's not productive. And that's not the way I tend to spend, you know, the rest of my marriage. I heard a download from God say, Tamika, you need to do the one thing that you haven't been doing and that's, you know, it's time to talk. And through that, he had given me this talk method, which is T is transferring your mind ass, your foundation L, is learn new techniques, and K’s kickstart conversations that you were once afraid to.
[00:11:15] Tamika McTier:As you know in marriage, it takes a lot of vulnerability and that's a part of me that I was afraid to tap into.
[00:11:23] Maya Acosta:This is wonderful. I'm loving it so far. So something that really stood out right now, what you said about the church because I am familiar with that, is that even my mother or I have a sister that will say, I'll bring up an issue.
[00:11:35] Maya Acosta:Mm-hmm. and they'll say, just pray about it. Right. And it's frustrating. It's so frustrating. Yeah. Because what I really need from you right now mm-hmm. , is to hear what I'm saying and to see what I'm feeling. Mm-hmm. as my frustrate. I don't need for you to try to solve it or to tell me. You know, well, it's God's will. I think that God gives us when we ask for help, he'll give us the tools, but we have to do the work. Mm-hmm. , and it sounds like that's exactly what you're saying.
[00:11:59] Tamika McTier:Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. And so, after just doing my own personal development, I'm originally from Cleveland, Ohio. So when I moved from there 10 years ago and came to Charlotte, North Carolina, and got connected to church here, One of the things I immediately felt like God was calling my husband and I too was ministry, but by way of serving married couples.
[00:12:19] Tamika McTier:And initially, I was thinking, why would he choose me? Why would we be doing something like that? But what I found after doing that work and saying yes to what I was being called to was so many blessings on the other side. Because, see, what I found out is that by being transparent and vulnerable and sharing my story, it gave other women and couples the opportunity to say yes to their own stories or be truthful well where they were in their marriage.
[00:12:44] Tamika McTier:I really enjoy the work that I get to do, and coming alongside married women and couples for that matter, or couples that are ready to do the work and support them in a way so they can communicate confidently in their marriage and not approach it from a standpoint of having to be. or approaching their marriage from a standpoint of a contract versus operating on a covenant.
[00:13:07] Maya Acosta:Yeah, so I'm a firm believer, and in this case, I'm gonna share that I love life coaches. I'm not saying you consider yourself a life coach, but I love life coaches that help me to go deep into mm-hmm. , those traumas and the dark parts of my life that continue to linger and hurt because I know that whatever is unresolved is affecting all my relationships.
[00:13:29] Maya Acosta:Yeah. It sounds like that's what you do. Do you only work with couples in your church or in your bio it was you were working with couples, but now you specialize in working with women?
[00:13:42] Tamika McTier:Yep. So you got that correct. That's where I started out is specifically with married couples, but I learned that the work that I was doing, the marital status doesn't matter.
[00:13:50] Tamika McTier:It's more so about supporting. Person as an individual, regardless of the title, and what I know to be true is a lot of who we are. I mean, a lot of the challenges that we have in our adult life stems from a lot of our childhood. So I support you in peeling back those layers and allowing the scales to fall off one by one so that you can get the clarity to move forward and the confidence to truly walk in your truth as the woman that God has created you to be.
[00:14:22] Maya Acosta:And if you heal the woman, you heal the relationship and the family.
[00:14:24] Tamika McTier:That's right. Don't you? That's That's right. It's a trickle effect. I always say heal personally, thrive relationally. And that's your relationships, not just your romantic relationships, but that's gonna impact relationships, but anybody that you are in close relationship with.
[00:14:41] Maya Acosta:Yeah. I'm curious about if we can go back a little bit to when you were doing the couple's work, the coaching what were some of the common issues that you heard from the marriages?
[00:14:52] Tamika McTier:Literally, it's, it all stems around communication because they had the breakdown in communication. Then they had the breakdown in financials because they had the breakdown in communication.
[00:15:03] Tamika McTier:And there's irritation about the finances. It spills over into their sex life because the woman has seen her mom do everything as far as taking care of the kids, and she is now needing support from her husband. While she believes that it should be obvious to him that she's needing support, she hasn't verbalized it, so it creates the tension.
[00:15:25] Tamika McTier:So everything that. Every challenge that people were experiencing from that I work with, it all stemmed back to a lack of communication. Or ineffective communication, taking place in the marriage, unspoken desires,
[00:15:41] Maya Acosta:All the things that we're afraid of speaking because we're not raised in a culture that is though being vulnerable is not really fostered. Mm-hmm. in the speaking without aggression or without anger, but speaking from a place of inner strength and saying, mm-hmm. I'm noticing this, or these are the things that are bothering me. What can we do to work through this? Yeah. And we, and especially, you know, in movies and you know, what we see out there, people communicate through fighting.
[00:16:07] Maya Acosta:Mm-hmm. That's what we see. Mm-hmm. In the movies. Mm-hmm. You probably are watching movies, and you're probably like, that shouldn't happen, I'm like,
[00:16:13] Tamika McTier:I can help that couple. Yeah. And a lot of that has to do sometimes with stories that we're telling ourselves because, for me, the challenges I had around communication weren't even necessarily.
[00:16:24] Tamika McTier:Yes, it's truthful that I often got silent when I needed to say something because I didn't know how to say it. But it was also from a place just not want to operate in the same way that I seen before me. So trying not to be operate from a learned behavior, something that I saw somebody else doing in their relationship.
[00:16:46] Tamika McTier:So again, struggling to really articulate so mm-hmm. without saying the wrong. you shut down. Yeah. And so I think that once you can be in relationship and vulnerable with self, first, I always say be vulnerable with self first, then that's when you will give yourself permission and full freedom to be, um, vulnerable with your spouse.
[00:17:07] Tamika McTier:A lot of that comes by way of asking yourself some hard questions. Why is it that I think like this? What's. and what's the story I've been, you know, telling myself, is this actual fact or is this just a feeling, an emotion that I'm dealing with in the moment? But it, it honestly holds no truth. Now that's not to say be dismissive of your feelings, but mm-hmm.
[00:17:32] Tamika McTier:It takes a lot of deep work. Mm-hmm. . And again, if you aren't willing to go there with yourself and get uncomfortable and look at that reflection in the mirror, Michael Jackson said it best. I'm starting with the man in the mirror. So if you aren't willing to start with that person, nine times outta 10, you're not going to get what you want either of that relationship.
[00:17:52] Tamika McTier:Sure, all of this works when you have a partner that's willing to work with you, but the main focus is always gonna be on self first.
[00:18:00] Maya Acosta:Yes. And that kind of goes along the lines of a question that I have for you about that. So I know that I was also a very independent woman, and I was that woman that said, I never wanna get married.
[00:18:12] Maya Acosta:I do not wanna have children. Mm-hmm. , the career is gonna be the thing for me. Yeah. . I met my husband in my forties and, and he had two girls, so thank God I didn't have to give him any children, but, I was relieved. I was like, thank God, but hilarious. Hilarious. It was very conditional in the sense that when I met him, I had already been doing the work.
[00:18:34] Maya Acosta:Mm-hmm. So I said, I'm only going to commit if you're willing to do the work. Mm-hmm. , because by then, I had this awareness that there are people that just kind of wing it, you know, go through life, just unconscious, not aware of how they're creating their life. And then there are people that are waking up to all of this.
[00:18:51] Maya Acosta:Mm-hmm. . Now what happens, because I know that you now work more closely with women. what happens when you're working with her and she's willing to go dive deep and do the inner work, and then she has a spouse? Just checked out, uninterested in doing his homework.
[00:19:07] Tamika McTier:Believe it or not, fortunately, the women that I've been called to serve and the women that I've had the opportunity to work with, it hasn't been one-sided. Okay. It, um, has not been one-sided. There may have been some resistance for him to come on board. But also because what I do is so heavily focused on not paying attention to him and really just focusing on yourself. Many of the people that come to me aren't people that are in such a distressed marriage where they are considering walking away from the marriage.
[00:19:39] Tamika McTier:Most of the women that I get to work with know that they have some challenges, and they come in kind of with that mindset that they're ready to do the work.
[00:19:49] Maya Acosta:Now there's a book I started reading, and I don't know if I heard it on your podcast, but it just drives me crazy when I can't remember where I learned about the book, but it was a Christian woman who left her husband's church.
[00:20:02] Maya Acosta:and I don't know, like I said, I, it might have been your podcast, but anyway, now her husband was the pastor of their church, and she just felt like a doormat that one day she put her foot down and she left the church and she changed the relationship that they had. And the reason I'm bringing this up, I'm not advocating for any of that, but what I see there are a lot of Christians in my family, and my mother divorced.
[00:20:27] Maya Acosta:15 years ago, and she was that woman, that Christian woman that did everything that she thought she was supposed to do, you know? Mm-hmm. , take care of her husband, get mm-hmm., all this stuff, and she always put herself last, like her needs.
[00:20:39] Tamika McTier:Oh no. Oh no. Went out the window. Put yourself first. Right. If you're not serving and loving self first, you definitely, we are operating from an empty cup, and so you can't pour if there's nothing.
[00:20:51] Maya Acosta:Do you feel that's difficult though for Christian women, that they, depending on maybe the story that they have heard and that they continue to tell themselves, like, how are we supposed to behave as Christian women in a relationship? Do you hear that?
[00:21:04] Tamika McTier:Definitely, you hear that, whether it is because of what they feel like they've heard from the pulpits. Mm-hmm. um, right in the church and what's been told to them. But a lot of it, believe it or a lot of Christians today didn't even grow up Christian, so I don't even wanna say that that's where a lot of the blame is. A lot of it has been hearsay of where they say or what they've heard other women say.
[00:21:31] Tamika McTier:Should happen in these relationships, but some of it also, again, comes from learned behavior. Some of it comes from. Historically what has been said that women do X, Y, and Z for men, that's how it should be. So it is debunking or changing a narrative around some of those old things that people were doing and feeling like you're the only one responsible for the kids.
[00:21:57] Tamika McTier:Like you don't have to do everything. And that's what I was saying earlier on in our conversation about needing assistance and support from your spouse. And finding the courage to open up and tell him, because just because you're married, you should never be operating as a single in your home or asking your husband to watch the kids or babysit the kids.
[00:22:18] Tamika McTier:I should say. I, that's a term I hear a lot of women say, I need to see if he wanna babysit the kids. Those are his kids, or that's his child as well. Never should he be babysitting.
[00:22:30] Maya Acosta:That's right. I'm sure there are a lot of different movements where now men are getting just as involved and doing, you know, doing their own healing and becoming the best.
[00:22:38] Maya Acosta:Mm-hmm. Dads and the best husbands possible. Mm-hmm. . And there was this guy, I was listening to the podcast, and I don't wanna say the name of the organization because I'm not promoting it, but what he said was that, He learned that he put this pressure on his wife to always have the house clean mm-hmm.
[00:22:54] Maya Acosta:And to have certain things in order, yet he never participated in it. Yeah. Like he didn't help out. Mm-hmm. And when he woke up to this reality that his wife could be different if he mm-hmm. Offered more support. Yeah, exactly.
[00:23:06] Tamika McTier:Right. Such a selfish thought process. When you think that, there's nothing, or you shouldn't contribute like you should just go to work. But guess what? You have a wife that goes to work and still does everything else like cook, clean, run the kids around, and anything else you can think of. And so it's just very selfish thinking to think that you're only responsible for getting the
[00:23:27] Maya Acosta:check. That's right. Thank you, Tamika, for defending us, because it's so true that we naturally grab as women; we're naturally caretakers.
[00:23:37] Maya Acosta:Mm-hmm. We naturally wanna be the ones that it's just, we put ourselves last and put everyone else and everything else first. And. in this way, what you're doing is you're helping women to come back to themselves and then just do that work. Can you tell us more about the talk method? If you wanna go down each one a little bit, sure with a little more time.
[00:23:58] Tamika McTier:Sure, sure. So when you think about the talk method that I talked about, so the T, it starts with transforming your mind. Again, that goes back to. the narrative that you've been feeding yourself. Transfer your mind. Even if you do find on a scale of one to 10, and this marriage is at a five, just say a five.
[00:24:15] Tamika McTier:So right in the middle is not so good, it's not bad. Or if you wanna do it from a report card standpoint, then you would say the five 50%, then that's a F. Okay? But you know, that's the reality of it. And so are you gonna stick in this situation and keep saying that this marriage is horrible? Or are you gonna transfer your mind around it and say, this is what our reality is today, but this does have to ha hold the reality of our future if we both commit to doing the work?
[00:24:44] Tamika McTier:So it begins with a mindset. You can't say you want change, but you keep the old mindset and continue to sell yourself that same narrative about what's not right. The A is assessed the foundation and assessing the foundation. , it takes you back to the beginning of why did you get married. You know, it's always that question, why did you get married?
[00:25:03] Tamika McTier:Or why did I get married? I don't know if you're familiar with the movie that Tyler Perry created, but it's called Why Did I Get Married? And that's a question that many couples will find themselves asking when they find themselves up against a wall or in a position when they feel like they want to walk away from that marriage.
[00:25:21] Tamika McTier:So I say assess the foundation when you got married; where'd you get married? and just like a home, A home can't stand on a crack foundation, you're definitely gonna have problems. So if you went into the marriage and the foundation wasn't as solid, revisit that If you got married and the foundation was solid, and you know that, assess the foundation to see what you have gotten away from, of.
[00:25:43] Tamika McTier:And how you guys started out learning that the eldest learn new techniques. If what you're currently doing and what you've been doing for five years, three years, 10 years, 12 years, 20 years, it's not working, it's only best that you try something new. Why would you continue to do the same thing and it's yielding the same results?
[00:26:02] Tamika McTier:Think of it as an. If you're investing your money in a stock and you continue to lose money, nine out of the 10 you're gonna switch and move to something else that you think is gonna be more lucrative and a better investment to you. It's the same way your marriage learn something new, whether that's learning your spouse, whether that's learning to communicate, whether that's learn you learning more about yourself.
[00:26:24] Tamika McTier:Take the opportunity to learn new techniques to become successful, you and your spouse. and then K because a lot of the challenges that I believe married couples face within their marriage comes from communication that K is kickstart conversations that you were once afraid to have. The more and more that two people are communicating,
[00:26:47] Tamika McTier:I think the closer and the better position you're gonna be in to get that end result that you want. If you are continually walking around in silence or being passive-aggressive, slamming things, or just not talking as a whole, you can never move the needle forward. But communicating and being intentional about it, even if it presents itself in a way to not get the results that you're looking for, if it's meant to be you, like you want this thing to be. You will; you'll keep pushing forward even when resistance appear.
[00:27:19] Maya Acosta:Yes. And I assume that people open up more and are more likely to have these conversations if they feel safe in the relationship.
[00:27:28] Tamika McTier:Mm-hmm. Oh, definitely safe in a relationship that's gonna play a huge part If a spouse finds that the other spouse.
[00:27:36] Tamika McTier:It's always reminding them of a story that they're share; they share with them and hit them below the belt. With that story and the disagreement, then obviously, that's gonna leave the other partner not feeling, not feeling safe at leave. That other partner feeling in a place of attack like. Oh, I told them that about me, or I had an intimate moment with them; however, they took it and used it against me.
[00:27:58] Maya Acosta:That's like the worst thing anyone can do is use information, but that vulnerable part of us, we share something, and then it's used against us. That's horrible. Mm-hmm. , I love this method that you've put together. It all just really goes with talk, really? Mm-hmm. . That's the key foundation. Yeah, it is. That's the key foundation, and I find that it's applicable throughout your life.
[00:28:20] Tamika McTier:No. Again, I have to take it back to those four pillars with fitness, faith, family, and finances. Anything that you wanna jumpstart and get going, you're gonna have to switch your mindset around it. Because if you're not consistent with, if you don't transform your mind, if you keep that same old mindset, but wanna say that you get results in any one of those four areas with the same old mindset trying something new, you're not gonna get the results.
[00:28:45] Maya Acosta:That's right. Yes. Can you give us an example of how we can better communicate with our spouse?
[00:28:50] Tamika McTier:Yeah. Okay. Let me give you an example. So one would be, let's see, okay, yeah, Maya. You go into the kitchen, and you notice for the past three times when you've gone to open or throw away trash that your garbage can is always filled to the ground.
[00:29:09] Tamika McTier:In that same moment, you also notice. Your husband has been in the home for the day, and he's thrown something away too, but never has he pulled the trash. And you find that the last three times that you've come to throw something away on three different occasions, over the past couple of weeks, when the trash is basically at a standpoint when it's about to run over, that you are the one pulling the trash instead of having a conversation with him about it.
[00:29:35] Tamika McTier:You start mumbling under your breath and say, I know I can't be the only one in here to cease this trash. Or, um, am I the only one that has eyes and can see this? You can still move forward with taking the trash out, but then it's appropriate to say, Hey hubby, can we have a quick talk? Yes, he accepts it.
[00:29:55] Tamika McTier:Say, Hey, I wanted to let you know that the past couple of times, not saying that, you know, it's roles and responsibilities or we do gender responsibilities or anything like that, cuz I don't have a problem with taking out the trash. But I did notice that you continually throw things in way, and the past couple of times, the trash has been at its max.
[00:30:14] Tamika McTier:Do you think we can come up with an agreement where it's a team effort, or is that a task that you can own taken, um, out the trash going forward when it's, you know, running over.
[00:30:26] Maya Acosta:Okay. So you just address it directly?
[00:30:28] Tamika McTier:You just address it directly. Or you can also if you're familiar with I statements, you can also let your spouse know. And this takes any pointing the finger off of him and what you feel like he did or did not do. You can just say, I feel like taking out the trash has become a solo task that leaves it open, and if he's concerned at all, he should come back and say, why do you feel like that again? Your response is gonna be I statement again because I have been taking out the trash for the past three weeks. Mm-hmm. Do you see how you said nothing about your spouse? Yes. What he was then doing?
[00:31:04] Maya Acosta:Yeah. So I'm thinking of a situation that bothers me a lot, which is I'm the one always cooking and cleaning and washing dishes. Mm-hmm. , I'm always washing dishes, and so when sometimes I find myself washing dishes and my husband's nearby, I'll say, you know, I won't get mad if you wanna wash dishes. The sarcasm. But it doesn't work clearly. I'm always still washing dishes. So I suppose at that time.
[00:31:30] Tamika McTier:Then you could say, in this marriage, I feel that I'm the only one responsible for. Cooking, cleaning, and washing the dishes. Okay, because that, and it puts it on me. Yeah, because that still calls it out. And again, it should prompt him to say like the sarcasm of like, you could do it if you want to. He ignores that. But if you call it out in a different way and put it on you, then maybe he. It should prompt him to have a response.
[00:31:59] Maya Acosta:Yes, I'm gonna try that. Definitely. Because a lot of times too, I think, oh, you know, so much responsibility and he's so tired and he just, it's a, you know, just a very demanding job that he has.
[00:32:11] Maya Acosta:Mm-hmm. . And so I'll do it, but I also work, I have a lot on my, as you know, you have a podcast as well. Mm-hmm. , you know, that's like a full-time job, right. . Tell us about it; tell my listeners about your podcast.
[00:32:23] Tamika McTier:Sure. So I'm the host of the Ages Conversations podcast. And um, really the title was derived from my own personal story. So as you guys heard me mention earlier in the conversation is that I became a mom at the tender age of 19. And so, just my independence, who I am, the things that I've achieved in life. I realized that age has nothing to do with who you are. It's really, truly a mindset. So I always say change your mindset.
[00:32:51] Tamika McTier:Gain confidence and level a lifestyle thrive and not determine by age, because your age really has nothing to do with what you can achieve in this world. The world will try to tell you that it does, or because you are a certain age, you can't do this because you're too young or because you're a certain age, you're too old to do this.
[00:33:08] Tamika McTier:What I had come to also find out is because it's just, I don't know, it's something natural that comes to me or, and I've seen this play out, um, all in my life that women. Are always drawn to me regardless of their age. Women older than me, women younger than me, and I've also found that they've always shared some of their deepest and darkest secrets with me, and it will always make me believe, think like, why did she tell me that?
[00:33:35] Tamika McTier:I didn't ask her that, but she opened up and share so much of herself with me. And so many of the conversations that I was having were different but the same in a sense that no matter. What our ages, our gender is the families that we come from. We, as women, encounter so many of the same things. And so I really wanted to create a platform where I shared those stories.
[00:34:02] Tamika McTier:You know, I felt like I was already having those conversations in private, and then God caught me to have those conversations in public. And so I'm grateful for all the women that say Yes to come on that platform with me and share their stories. And so any conversation that you hear that from an episode that's released on a weekly basis, every single Thursday, a new conversation is released, whether it's a solo episode, myself, or I'm there with a guest.
[00:34:29] Tamika McTier:We are gonna touch on one of those four pillars around fitness, faith, family, or finances. Yes. If not all of them throughout the conversation because who we are. Those are impacted every single day.
[00:34:42] Maya Acosta:Yeah. And I think you do a great job. Thank you. I was recently on your podcast, and it's the way that you make people feel. I just felt wonderful. I felt like you really listened. Thank to what I was saying. And sometimes you have different experiences with some podcasters are not really hearing what you're saying. And I try to be.
[00:35:01] Tamika McTier:They kinda act like a robot. Yeah. And don't get into the conversation.
[00:35:03] Maya Acosta:Right. Well, I'm working on my own end to improve that because I do my own editing. So I listen to myself, and I always think, oh, I, I should have asked about that. Like I should have. Mm-hmm. Gone deeper into that comment that the person said, but I, what I love about your podcast is exactly what you just said, that many women need healing. Mm-hmm. , many, many, mm-hmm. . It doesn't matter where you're from and you offer those conversations that kind of help us reflect on what's going on in our own lives.
[00:35:34] Maya Acosta:Mm-hmm, and it's interesting. I, too, have been the person that, for many, many, Probably most of my life, people tell me very profound things. Yeah. And it could be that they know they can trust me. I don't, yeah. You know, I don't share people's personal information. Mm-hmm. and, but recently I had two separate women tell me, you know, make these comments that I didn't expect.
[00:35:53] Maya Acosta:One was, I didn't mean to fall into that typical gender role, what you just talked about, the gender thing. Mm-hmm, That person told me that, and I thought, okay, I didn't ask about that. I wasn't judging or anything. And then the other person said, I could have had my own career, but I decided to support my husband.
[00:36:11] Maya Acosta:Mm-hmm. And those comments, what they tell me is that there's a lot of behind how women are seeing themselves. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. what they believe to be their expectations. It's like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Right. In the sense that if you have a full career, there are regrets because you weren't as available for your children.
[00:36:29] Maya Acosta:If you don't have a career, there are regrets because you imagine what you could have blossomed into. Mm-hmm. and there is so many stories in our heads from the way we've been.
[00:36:39] Tamika McTier:And I also think that that's where we can switch the narrative, though, because your kids won't be kids forever, and so you don't have to look at it from a standpoint of, now, I'm too old to work on my career or go after some of the things that I feel like is attached to my purpose and what I'm supposed to do in this world.
[00:36:57] Tamika McTier:That's also a mindset too. Hmm. Like you don't have to be your spouse's shadow, and you don't just have to be your kid's parent. You can go out into this world and do what it is that you wanna do as, as well, and get beyond the mindset that now I'm 50, or I'm 45, or I'm 60, whatever age it is, and now it's too late for me to start that thing.
[00:37:18] Tamika McTier:If you feel like you've been called to it or if you want to go out of the home and make some money of your own. Start your own business, whatever that is, you still have time as long as you still have breath.
[00:37:28] Maya Acosta:Yes, you're right. Oh my goodness. There's an individual, maybe I should introduce you to her. She's now a, a health coach and uh, she recently completed her training at once.
[00:37:39] Maya Acosta:You know, her children were outta her home. But she said to me one day, I raised my children like she stayed at home, raised her children mm-hmm. , and she said, it's my turn now. Yep. And so graceful and so beautiful in her approach. I didn't hear a tone of regret or anything like that, but it's like now I get to, so, and she wants to support women in health.
[00:37:59] Maya Acosta:Mm-hmm. . So it's beautiful that women don't limit themselves. Well, that's what we wanna encourage is not to limit yourself. Mm-hmm. because of your age or because of not having enough qualification. I think that women in general can support other women. That's. I love that. Tamika, you also have a health story. Tell us about your journey.
[00:38:18] Tamika McTier:Yeah, so you heard me mention again that, that I had my daughter when I was 19, but early in my pregnancy at week 28, I had my own health challenge. When I went to the doctor for my, this normal, you know, checkup and they said that my blood pressure was high. And so at that time they said that I would need to come back on a weekly basis.
[00:38:37] Tamika McTier:And so when I went back that following week, My blood pressure was even higher and they recommended that I go on bed rest. And when I went back the following week, it was still continuing to rise, and I was admitted into the hospital. And so blood pressure continued to go crazy, and I gave birth to my child seven weeks early.
[00:38:54] Tamika McTier:So at 33 weeks, I gave birth to my child, four pounds, seven ounces. And so never did I expect that I wouldn't have a full term, um, pregnancy, but that's truly my reality. Mm-hmm. , so based on that, sent me to. Really, really get involved in fitness. I come from a family or my father's side of the family, I should say.
[00:39:14] Tamika McTier:Uh, my father's no longer here. He passed away in 2013, but on my father's side of the family, including himself, everybody has died from some type of a heart disease, so mm-hmm. An aneurysm, heart attack, stroke, you name it. That's pretty much been associated with all the deaths there. And so, just knowing that I had that early scare during my pregnancy, I keep that in the back of my mind.
[00:39:37] Tamika McTier:And I'm very intentional about how I take care of my temple and making sure that I get some type of activity in, and that my numbers are in line when I go to the doctor. I'm very unconscious of that.
[00:39:51] Maya Acosta:That's beautiful because, again, these are things that, how we take care of ourselves is kind of part of learned behavior. Mm-hmm. , you know, according to hard caretakers. Took care of us. That's how we take care of ourselves and Right, right. How we eat, that's learned as well. Yeah. And so have you been able to impact the health of your own family, like your husband and, and I don't remember if you said you had a second child.
[00:40:13] Tamika McTier:Yes. Okay. Um, so I'm a mom of two. Yes. Oh, that right? Yeah. So my, all of my family, it's funny cuz they all make, uh, little side comments about the level of work and out. I do, I've completed six half marathons, I've run countless five Ks, and things like that. So I started working out in my early twenties, 44, and fitness is still a huge part of my life, and it will be until the day that I can't move my body in that way anymore.
[00:40:40] Tamika McTier:Not only do I do. for that. But I really enjoy the feeling that I get from working out and being intentional about moving my body. And it's not just the outward appearance thing, it's, it's really truly the feeling and doing that, the commitments I. You know, make to myself and the way I honor my temple.
[00:40:58] Maya Acosta:That's so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. Mm-hmm. I love it. And I guess I was thinking too, like, have you've been able to impact other relatives? Because health, again, making a healthy choice is so personal, and sometimes people are a little bit.
[00:41:12] Tamika McTier:In my own household, I would say, but beyond that, there's no consistency behind the comment.
[00:41:18] Maya Acosta:So now, being that you have this training, so you're supporting women in relationships, and you've coached marriages, how are you educating your children now so that they hopefully can have healthy relationships as they grow up?
[00:41:33] Tamika McTier:Oh, I pretty much pull back the curtain and let my kids in on everything.
[00:41:38] Tamika McTier:I'm not. Afraid to have any types of conversations with them. And so really just keep an open communication with them and letting them know. Again, for me, it's not so much about the marital status, but it's about just the relationships you have with yourself. So we're always talking, I'm always asking about their mental health.
[00:41:55] Tamika McTier:I'm always asking about any challenges that they may be experience and, and things along that nature. So that's really how I support my kids and have a healthy relationships and not being afraid to, you know, talk about anything. Yeah. And really letting them know that there is no topic that's, um, off limits.
[00:42:12] Maya Acosta:I love that. I wish I had had that, you know, growing up just mm-hmm. being comfortable. Yeah. I can even hear it in your voice. I can imagine how you speak with your children, but that had, just being able to talk about topics calmly and nothing's taboo. I can imagine that person then is just more comfortable in, in expressing him or herself, you know, as they go through life.
[00:42:34] Maya Acosta:Yep. That's wonderful. So I was mentioning to you that I follow you on social media. So I know that you've been vacationing, but you're also involved in other things. I was hoping you can share with us that was, you were at an event with a large group of people, everyone dress in white. Mm-hmm. , and I imagine that it was so. Spiritual, but also probably related to relationships. So tell us like, what else are you involved in? Tell us about that.
[00:42:57] Tamika McTier:Um, so actually, that was an event, it's called Dîner en Blanc, and it actually originated from Paris. And really, it's just, it's the community where a lot of people come together just for a night of fun. And, but the requirement is that you do have to dress in, um, all white. And so it was here recently in Charlotte. And that's, um, what we did. I don't wanna say that it's anything. it's spiritual or anything like that. It's more so about fun and community.
[00:43:25] Maya Acosta:Yeah. But it's an opportunity to enjoy your husband and.
[00:43:29] Tamika McTier:Oh yeah, definitely. Yeah, because I most definitely, it's definitely an event where you will see a lot of couples and things like that.
[00:43:36] Maya Acosta:Yeah. And you know, if I can throw this out there as well and feel free to give us some tips, but I feel that probably relationship. Became very stagnant. Mm-hmm. as a result of our, you know, the pandemic we went through. And I recently told my husband, you know, I want us to take some ga I love to dance. Mm-hmm. So dance classes and let's get out and do more of these things, like mm-hmm. , it's taken a while for some people to get back into just being more open and out of their homes. Yeah. So did you see that with relationships, and do you have any tips for us to kind of just add that spark in our relationship?
[00:44:09] Tamika McTier:So I did see with couples I saw about 50-50. And the thing that I would say, be intentional about dating your mate. Be intentional about dating your mate. And I'll say it again. Be intentional about dating your mate. And what that means is if you have a desire to go on a date and you know that your spouse is not a planner, but you are, don't lose the opportunity to go on a date because you're waiting on your spouse to make reservations.
[00:44:34] Tamika McTier:Yeah, you wanna go on the date? Just go ahead and bite the bullet. Make the reservation, it's easier to make the reservation, and you get the date that you want, versus sitting in the house and complaining and saying that we don't go on dates.
[00:44:47] Maya Acosta:Yeah. Oh my goodness. My husband surprised me for my birthday, and he's not a person that does surprises, so, oh, thankful he did this for me. So before meeting him, I would go to comedy clubs. I just, you know, love that. I love to laugh. Mm-hmm. , and we're in Dallas. Mm-hmm. So he surprises me. He says, put on a pretty dress. Look cute or whatever, and that it. So he took me to a certain area. I'm looking around, trying to figure out where are we going had no idea. Right. Uhhuh, he ends up taking me to the improv to see D.L. Hughley.
[00:45:19] Tamika McTier:Oh, it was hilarious.
[00:45:20] Maya Acosta:Oh my God. It was so good. It was recently, well, it was in June, and he also got us, well, you know, well, some improvs. I guess most of 'em are intimate. That's, you know,
[00:45:31] Tamika McTier:They're smaller. Yeah. The smaller tables right in the front.
[00:45:33] Maya Acosta:Yeah. So I, you're gonna love this. So we end up in the front row, which when he told me where we were gonna sit, I said, honey, you know he's gonna pick on us, right? He's like, really? And I said, yes. That's what we're paying for, to be picked on. And so, sure enough's, especially at a DL show. Yes. I love him. And so he's going down, you know, the front row mentioning, asking people what they do and all this stuff.
[00:45:54] Maya Acosta:So he comes and, you know, he asks us about our relationship and everything, and then he's asking what my husband does, and, you know, he's the surgeon and what do you do? And I'm like, I, I was like, oh, this is a great time to promote my podcast. Yeah. So I'm like, I'm a podcaster. He's like, mm-hmm. . And he turns around, faces the wall, and he's like, I'm doing surgeries over here so that she can have her podcast, and it was just teasing me because, as you know, many people don't really make a living from having a podcast.
[00:46:22] Maya Acosta:Right, right, right. And I wouldn't be able to have my show and to do the work that I do if my husband did not support me. Yeah. In this. So I'm very grateful for that. But you know, of course, everybody laughed, and we had a good time, and it's been one of my favorite surprises. That's exactly what you're saying.
[00:46:38] Maya Acosta:I mean, you don't have to go all out and do something like that. Mm-hmm. But it's the finding the moments to have mm-hmm. fun together, like Yep. When we used to date when we were younger or whatever. Yep. That's wonderful. Is there anything else that you'd like to share with my listeners?
[00:46:53] Tamika McTier:Yes, so I did become an author earlier this year, and so I have my book, it's called The Image in the Mirror. I'd love for your listeners to go to my firstname.lastname@example.org and grab a copy of that. This is actually a anthology that I participated in, and so every page is truly a page-turner. And I'm not just saying that because I'm an author in the book, but I'm saying that because it's a really good read. So if you're a reader, you enjoy a good story.
[00:47:19] Tamika McTier:It's a book full of 14 different women sharing different stories. I guarantee you'll enjoy the book, and you just may find yourself really relating to one of the stories as the character may change from who you're reading about in the story to yourself.
[00:47:33] Maya Acosta:Wow. Now are these, and you probably won't reveal this, but are they based off people you've either in interviewed or women that you know in your lives?
[00:47:42] Tamika McTier:Women? Both. I'll be honest. I say both.
[00:47:44] Maya Acosta:Okay. Both.
[00:47:45] Tamika McTier:Okay. Cuz I was gonna say, maybe it's, but even the ones that have been on the podcast, they haven't shared the entire story of what's in the book and what's on the podcast. So you would be getting something new.
[00:47:55] Maya Acosta:Oh, that's exciting. That's wonderful. Now, as far as your coaching, do you do the virtual coaching as well, and how can I
[00:48:01] Tamika McTier:Oh yeah. I forgot to mention, yeah. And then they can go to my website to schedule, um, the coaching. Yes, it is done virtual, so that means that you and I or you can get support from me no matter where you are located.
[00:48:12] Maya Acosta:Yeah, this is wonderful. So you don't necessarily have to be a Christian, right? ? No, no. I mean, you work with any woman, that is. That's right. Now, does the woman have to be married as it reads?
[00:48:23] Tamika McTier:Currently on my website, I need to do some update into the website. It will read that way. However, no, that is not the truth anymore. Okay. Her marriage status does not matter for her to work with me personally. Okay. So she could go there and sign up, or she could just send me an email directly at email@example.com or at Tamika McTier. Tamika dot McTier gmail.com. Either way, the email will get to me.
[00:48:50] Maya Acosta:Yeah. Okay. This has been amazing. I was looking forward to the conversation, and it's just been Wow. Like so wonderful because I don't speak with a lot of coaches who actually work on relationships. Mm-hmm. We may work on health and other mm-hmm. types of transformations that we wanna do, but I think.
[00:49:06] Tamika McTier:And a healthy relationship actually impacts your health.
[00:49:10] Maya Acosta:Oh my God. Yes. Because I've heard that even being in unhealthy relationships can affect your health, right? Mm-hmm. That's right. The toxicity of a relationship can damage us. Well, this is wonderful.
[00:49:21] Maya Acosta:I wanna thank you, Tamika, for being on the show, and I'm gonna continue to listen to your podcast, and I'll add all of those links, and I encourage my listeners, please check out Ageless Conversations with Tamika McTier.
[00:49:33] Tamika McTier:Thank you, Maya. It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much for sharing your space with me and allowing me the opportunity to share just a piece of my story and what it is that I do with your audience today.
[00:49:43] Maya Acosta:Yes. Wonderful. Thank you.
[00:49:45] Tamika McTier:Thank you. Have a great rest of your day. Yes.
[00:49:48] Maya Acosta:You've been listening to the Healthy Lifestyle Solutions podcast with your host. If you've enjoyed this podcast, do us a favor and share with one friend who can benefit from this episode. Feel free to leave us an honest review on Apple Podcast that helps us to spread our message. Thanks for listening.
Author, Podcaster, Marriage and Holistic Wellness Advocate
Tamika McTier is a certified marriage coach and holistic wellness advocate, creator/ host of the Ageless Conversations podcast, wife of 16 years, author, and mom of two. After spending years in ministry serving married couples, she accepted the call that God had for her to serve married women and couples on a higher level.
Tamika uses her signature TALK method and experience to empower other women to have happy marriages of their own. She writes about relationships, offers coaching on the power of communication in marriage, and teaches women how to become their own wellness advocates. Tamika’s mission is to help wives thrive in their marriage while writing their own stories, creating their own paths, and becoming unstoppable in the pursuit of their God-given dreams.